Drug Me Now
by Sakatsu
Summary: [KakaSasu][Kakashi Centric][Previously known as Psychotic Breakings] Laughing, Shuddering, Breaking, Crying....what a mess Kakashi has become. Rated M for strong adult situations, angst and gore. New Chapter Up!
1. Raging Chaos

Disclaimer: I don't own, I wish I did though.

A/N: Ahhh...angst and sorrow go hand in hand. I love myself, yes, I really do. Me and my dark humor...pity it was wasted on me. So, why are you here again?

W: Some of these materials are unsuited for easily offended folk! This is not for kiddies! Read at your own risk. Send the flames, yes yes go right ahead. Be creative: the old "cry for help" is tremendously over-used, beaten, and abused by individuals.

Preview: Laughing, Shuddering, Breaking, Crying...what a mess Kakashi has become. Rated R for strong adult situations, angst and gore.

**Psychotic Breakings**

By Sakatsu

laughing shuddering breaking crying.

its a good life. lying on the cold floor shirtless hurts a bit but whatever.

it doesn't matter.

life life life. what a fucking life. truly effortless and wonderful disguise oh yes yes yes. its a good life.

Yondaime-sama and the teammates, family and precious friends. It must be cold six feet under, yes, yes, it must be cold. cold as the floor? colder than my life? no, warmer in the earth.

Who does he have left? Who? Himself. Himself and his pills...

Ever since Tsunande caught Kakashi swiping high-dose medications from the hospital she has been trying, surprisingly, medicating him with anti-anxiety at lower dosages. She claims that they're safer than the others. Less chance of over dose--safer than the others, she says.

He swipes them now still but without her near the hospital.

the ceiling is falling. how beautiful it is.

it doesn't matter.

them. those kids. reluctant to be such a "teacher" for some ungrateful brats...they eat up to much time from staring into nothing. so fail fail fail, all of them. always.

but the eyes.

my eye, his eyes...windows to the soul some say. they're so much like his. like mine.

family by trait alone, unique trinity. I know what its like to have no one. no, it hurts. stop. I need another one...

subdued fantasy of fine-perfect-how-are-you under the blanket of cloth...deception. his best talent of all.

but without the skin here, beneath the storm, under the drug-use, you see me all. In my shades of grey.

no. no. crying still my soul always. take effect take effect rid me of this feeling...

ahh...

I passed them, that team seven. that Valium must make me delirious for such actions.

The boy, he said, by himself, what a fool and slave i am to the drug.

takes one to know one.

thats all I needed to say.

that path, a shinobi as I have taken left with many scars, but few from battle but most from my passionate hobby of hate towards myself.

yes, I've seen the same on his body. that younger version of myself. hehehe. he loves me like he loves himself. i love the world how i love myself.

oh sweet supple flesh beautifully figured with uniquely placed scars. beauty is found in the worse of us, the demented side of us, the suicidal side of us all. being in touch with the darker self, bringing closer to the path of what? well, ask me when I'm beside teacher.

you'll get your answer then.

taken by my own hand, my mistake my mind tortured every time I blink I see it all oh god please make it stop please, lemme have one more.

take another, take another, let me be and let me be. take the pain away, yes, take it all away.

am I even human?

its four forty six and...two seconds am

the knock, that silly boy who knows the world. by my head, kiss. oh so sweet and young and dumb.

it doesn't matter.

nothing matters, its me in emptyness...perhaps I'm in space?

I'm having fun...I guess he's not.

learn to embrace the darker self, oh kiddo...you'll be dead but the dead are happy and its better than to live with the pain.

yes, yes, release my self-righteous suicide.

whats that I hear?

he's mumbling to himself...or is that me?

no, don't go near those. they're for me, go get your own.

so sweet and young and dumb thing, leave me alone and leave my stuff alone.

leaving for the kitchen, he returns with a cheese grater.

why a cheese grater?

the long sleeved jacket pulled up, revealing the cuts and burns.

starts grating his flesh. I guess he couldn't find the knives.

mhmm...the smell is sweet and crisp. young blood, so familiar...angst.

pathetic and determined, both of us laughing. now he's having fun.

scrape, scrape, blood curlting manical laughter and tears asking for the endorphines to work faster...

so beautiful...so lovely. the most exquisite scene I've ever seen.

a kiss, my love.

it don't matter but it never did.

we're both covered in his grated flesh and blood in the embrace

little fool, i have stronger resilience than that to drugs.

3.20

references to Tool were intended. don't care about the smaller stuff of punctuation, capitalizing, ect ect.

is not responsible for deaths of people.

suicidal and angsty poetry and other writings greatly appreciated.

flames are appreciated. lol.


	2. Barely iLegal Substances

**Drug Me Now**

By Sakatsu

**Previously known as Psychotic Breakings**

The following is the other proposed names of this chapter:

Kolonopins

Lovely little thing called Life

Morphine

Valium

Nerve Gas

Heroin

Meth

Speedofme

Stressful Valium

Barely ilLegal Substances

It was hard to pick a name for this "chapter."

a/n: and now I'm switching styles of writing for this second chapter. its hard to write something such as this without fucking it up after one ch. I planned on stopping after one but a drug using Kakashi is...captivating, fresh and creative. You all can thank my succubus drug abusing mother for the accurate descriptions of such a deep and complex character that is Kakashi. She is my inspiration, my shame, my horror.

preview: Kakashi is fucked up but thats no surprising fact.

"speaking"

_thinking_

--//--

"momma, momma look what I can do!"

running sunflowers sunshine and innocence

"momma, momma, look at me, look!"

playing icecream birds and meadows

"isn't that cool momma?"

festivals lights cocoa and...happiness.

"I love you, momma"

Young Kakashi branishing a snowball in his friend's front yard. Snow drifted thickly like confetti down to the soft pearly fresh snow, the sky as white as the ground itself. Kakashi, within his natural environment had the advantage of blending in the background with his bouncy silver hair and white jacket. His opponents never stood a chance, Kakashi always won. Hiding behind a big bush, Kakashi threw his final snowball and his aim was true to the back of the head of his friend, ending the battle for the title of King of Snowball Fights. To celebrate his victory, Kakashi headed towards home, tossing and catching a snowball as he went by for some warmer clothes and hot cocoa.

The boy trudged up the driveway and opened the door, "Momma I'm home!" he sing-sang to the house. Emptiness answered him. The house was dark and cold as though he was outside. A light shone from underneath a crack in the door and Kakashi stepped cautiously to it and opened the door to his livingroom. Mist curled out of the pale boys gaped mouth as he stares in horror to the beams holding up the house. A chair upon the floor, feet swinging from side to side connecting to a body hung by a rope.

"...Momma..."

The snowball dropped to the ground. The scream that followed could be heard for miles.

--//--

A twitch, the 26 yearold Kakashi is laying face down shirtless ontop of his countertop in the kitchen. A hand shoved in a peanutbutter jar, his hair smothered with Strawberry Jelly.

A moan, Kakashi falls off the counter onto the cold linolium with a grimacing slap. Some of the Jelly smears on the floor.

A push, Kakashi on his ass, dizzy and removing the peanutbutter jar quickly and stares blankly at the kitchen clock until it stops being fuzzy and out of focus and of course, swarming around beside his cabinet.

Two forty eight in the p.m. Kakashi slowly licks the peanutbutter off of his fingers and briefly wonders how come he is covered in blood and how it got there in the first place.

Kakashi stands up in his small white kitchen observing the open cabinet doors, the smashed jelly jar on the floor and a partially smashed loaf of bread that he used as a pillow last night. Passing by the wreckage of the random destruction of his binge last night and picking through it for some clothes, the copyninja heads for the bathroom. The water is comforting against the skin, drops running down tensed musles of back and abdomin relax in the heat of the water from the showerhead. Globs of jelly slide off to get clogged in the drain. Running fingers through the thick mass of pale hair, shampooing it into a lather. A daily ritual he doesn't do daily, it doesn't matter no one would care. He steps out, dripping upon the cold linolium and dries off. His previous outfit is ruined, coverd in blood and specks of unidentifiable material.

Clothes on, a smashed ball of a slice of bread gurgling in his stomach alongside valium, his drug of choice of the day, Icha Icha in pocket and mask on: Kakashi closes the door behind him to face another day with the lovable brats.

"YOUR LATE AGAIN!!!!" Sakura and Naruto both bellow at him, "A Black Raevan came across my path and needed help..." The older man sheepishly puts, Sasuke doesn't even blink. "YEAHHHHHHH RIIIIGHT," Naruto hollers back at him and he just smiles, a fake one.

The silver haired man turns and walks towards the missions building, "Yosh! Lets go Team 7 for some D rank missions!" Naruto groans loudly but complies, Sakura frowns and Sasuke nods: all fall in step as their sensei leads the way.

Last night had been hazy, to say the least: He remembered red and black, swimming objects above him out of reach. The ceiling tumbling down at him and the carpet: a jungle of wonder and contemplation. And finally his dead mom hanging by a rope. Kakashi shakes his head and stares at the pages before him but not seeing, twirling a blade of grass between his fingers. _She's long dead. _In the distance Naruto could be heard complaining loudly about pulling weeds in the nearby garden. _Why did she do it? _He nowadays wonder why she didn't leave a suicide note, it doesn't matter though, it doesn't make it less painful to be alone.

A shadow slid across the page, "...You have been reading the same page for the last ten minutes." Kakashi huffs at the shadow on the page then raises his hand to signal to Sakura and Naruto that the day is done, indeed the light in his perriferal vision was getting darker. Sasuke stood silently with hands in pockets as his shadow did the same on the page. Kakashi looks up blearily up at Sasuke with that one grey eye, "Do you need something, hm?" Sasuke stares back steadily; eyes deep and haunting: an unreadable black.

A brief wind swept through both of their hairs making them dance in the sun's daily sinking beneath the horizon, sending shadows and vermillion shakes in their wake. Silence filled the space between them like dead weight, even though Sasuke was not far from him. Sasuke breaks the silence, "You don't remember do you?" The Jounin raises an eyebrow. The teen boy scoffs in the reply of, "Figures, drug users have terrible memory." With that statement, Kakashi shuts his book and stands up replying quickly with a hand seal and a puff of smoke resulted, leaving Sasuke alone in the garden.

_Hospital._ That is what he needs. Jumping along, blurred buildings pass by as the man dashes towards the Konoha hospital where his supply of drugs is endless. It is easy, slinking in and snatching what he wants. He's just that good. Slithering out with a good five bottles toppling with the drugs of choice, Kakashi hurries home for his favorite time of day: night.

Bursting into his small dark apartment and slamming the door shut, Kakashi panically twists the bottle and pops two more pills and swallows hard. Stepping over more destruction while pulling off the suffocating mask and discarding it on the floor along with his vest and shirt not too far from it, making a line to the kitchen. Flicking on the light and side-stepping the smashed jar, the man opened his fridge to stare at the condiments he wished would turn into a turkey sub. But alas, the mayo jar stared back at him silently, smirking behind the label. Hungrily, Kakashi took another slice of bread, mashed it up and swallowed it down to stop the growling in the pit of his stomach. _If only I never have to eat._ The pale figure wandered about settling on the couch and turning on the Television. Turtles and sea stretch out across the screen sending blue and green neon colors on the walls of his living room. Kakashi watched with fascination at the wall as the drugs took effect.

Footsteps are heard but he doesn't care. Light and determined, the man mentally notes but his eyes never leaves the colorful wall. The feet stand infront of the television, disrupting the light show on the wall, Kakashi turns to look at the intruder. The outline silently takes off its shirt and takes a seat next to the older man. Sasuke sat and turns his eyes towards his teacher, "Hey." "Yo..." Kakashi musters and stares at the gaunt teenager with skin paler than his own, green shadows playing over his body from the television. "Good to see that your responding..." Sasuke trails off and eyes the destruction of the place. Kakashi continues to stare, "I guess...it doesn't really matter." Black eyes met grey, "I guess so" was his response. They continued to stare at each other for what seems like eternity, the silence stretched before them...it was...comfortable. Sasuke is the one to break the eye contact to unwrap the wrapings around his arms, which the silver man didn't notice before. Slowly, the outer layers white so similar to the pale skin, the underlayers spotted with blood until the wrappings fell off to reveal ceraded markings, cuts, bruises and burns...both arms from the elbow down where without white skin everywhere, a contrast so glaring even within the semidarkness. "I went too far last time...I think" Sasuke pondered outloud slowly to himself. It was a beautiful sight.

Kakashi watched himself move his left arm, without his consent and grabs the teen's arm and pulling him closer to him. Sasuke tensed but did nothing to break the grasp that continues to tighten around his forearm. Kakashi watched with amazement as Sasuke lips tug at the corners and curled into a smile...it didn't suit Sasuke well, it was demented. Blood trails down the older man's wrist from his fingers clenching the skin of the boy. And then Kakashi lost it, dragging Sasuke to the floor of his trash ridden apartment, smashing rough and bitten lips together. Gnashing teeth, the teen kissed back ferociosly as Kakashi slid a hot hand down his pale skinned chest. Dark hair splayed out on the dirty floor, the teen reached with his other arm on Kakashi's back and scratched long thin lines across the Jounin's back. Kakashi responded by sliding that experienced tongue down the smooth neck and biting down hard at the jugular causing Sasuke to emmit a throaty moan. Blood spurted from the wound on the pale neck and Kakashi licked it, savouring the bitter copper taste in his mouth, making him harder. His left hand crushed Sasuke's as the dark teen arched his back into the older man's. The other hand has reached its destination, finding a bulge that mirrored his own. Kneading the bulge at a teasingly slow pace, a snap is heard but the both of them are too invovled to care of what it is. Sasuke pants, now with cheeks flaring with blood underneath the skin, "Kaka...shi...please..." is the only thing the teen groans before Kakashi's lips cover his again.

Light from the television splayed out displaying two bloody figures on the dirty floor kissing desperately.

Green and blue etched out the figures and hands, bodies pressed together as though if a gap was seen, they would remember. Hips moving rythmically to the beat of passion, of need.

The world is forgotten, the past is blurred, pain abolished.

It was a beautiful thing.

--//--

I was possessed with the need to write this. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I didn't move until I finished this chapter. Kakashi still plagues my mind in all of his unique brand of glory.

Oh, sexy fool. I must've been high out of my mind. High with disassociation for a body beneath mine. Driving me mad, such distance makes me numb. A thousand miles apart makes me glad: He can't see that the best day I ever have is when tomorrow will never come.

The Raeven spelling is intentional. Some troubles with tenses, but I have that problem when I'm writing in this style.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA, I know there's some more stuff I missed, feel free to point them out...or not.


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